I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
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So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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