Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
