my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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