she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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