I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
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She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?