as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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