Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
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I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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