Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
