i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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