woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
