the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
