I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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