good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
