I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
