I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
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His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.