Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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