The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
