can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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