Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
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Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
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There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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