These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
