I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
