i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
