I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
