I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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