Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
