he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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