Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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