Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
