I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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