fuck your aforementioned shoe
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
