What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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