I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
