i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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