I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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