Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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