oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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