You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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