I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
