wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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