And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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