I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
