so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
