I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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