I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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