Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
