I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Text me some of your sweat
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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