Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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