I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Slut skills are useful in every country.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
