you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
