I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
