my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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