clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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