I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
