glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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