bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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