So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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