Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
