dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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